Tips on What to Do When You Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Your Love Relationship

What to Do When You Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Your Love Relationship, by Dr. Doug Welpton, author of Attract Love, Intimacy and Money: Use Your Mind to Get What You Want.

Let me share a short story that illustrates how we all sometimes sabbatoge ourselves and our love partners in signicant ways. But, the good news is that there is action you can take to change the course of events in you life. Now, here is my story based on real events…

John started our appointment quickly. He volunteered: “This past week has been the good, the bad, and the ugly.” John continued to say that in his fear that Mary is going to leave him he made a week-end commitment with his men’s group without first discussing the issue with Mary. He said he was preparing himself for being alone when he would have to make all his decisions by himself. Mary responded, “That is a sure way to get me to want a divorce–leaving me out.”

John had shot himself in the foot, the way many of us do. The last thing he wanted was to be left by Mary. She had been the light of his life, the most important relationship he had ever had. They had been married over thirty years. In trying to protect himself against his worst fear—being totally alone—John was unintentionally bringing it about. We all do this when we give in to our fears, when we fail to believe in and pursue what we truly want.

John had been alone and lonely growing up. His father had been quiet, secretive, and reclusive. John never felt close to his father whom he described as “cold.” As a father he was frugal and gave John no financial help with college. He was not just cold but critical and judgmental. John kept his distance out of fear of getting hurt.

John’s mother had helped him financially with college through her hard work teaching. She had been John’s best ally. At the same time, she did not teach him how to be social or how to be comfortable with girls. He did not start school until the first grade. He was alone on the playground, not knowing how to relate or make friendships. He felt awkward and was afraid to reach out.

John had struggled with his awkwardness socially. He found in Mary a soul mate whom he described as stunning and spectacularly beautiful with a smile that radiated through her eyes.

Through their years together John’s criticisms had worn Mary down. She said she was now fearful of re-committing herself to their marriage lest she be wounded again by John’s judgments.

John took responsibility for having been critical and realizing how hurtful he had been to Mary. He was learning to contain himself and to focus on being appreciative and less judgmental. His goal was to change himself, and Mary could acknowledge he was accomplishing this but she still feared he might revert.

From her own childhood Mary carried an overdose of fear garnered from her father’s binge alcoholism and the open fights she witnessed between her parents. She had learned from her mother to make light of such fighting, but beneath her “can do” adaptation she harbored a strong fear of reversals and outbursts.

Having realized he shot himself in the foot, John summoned his courage to do something no one had modeled for him growing up. He made a complete and sincere apology to Mary. He told her how profoundly sorry and ashamed he was of his criticisms and attacks on her. He told her that he wished with all his being he could take them back. Mary was astounded and pleased. The bad and the ugly had given away to the good.

Mary felt moved by John’s sincerity. She said she felt good about his week-end commitment with his men’s group and always had. She felt even better by being included.

John proved the truth of this fact: we are our strongest when we are least defended.

To learn more about communicating, sex, love-making, and how to make successful changes in your relationship pick up a copy of Dr. Doug Welpton’s book, Attract Love, Intimacy & Money, which you can order as an ebook or softcover on his website at Advice in Love Relationship.com. On my website you will also find audio tapes you can order to help with relationship problems including money, sex, children, and household chores. This book could save your relationship and teach you the love skills you need to experience the deepest connection ever.

Tags: attract love, Dr Doug Welpton, fear of getting hurt, how to comfortable with girls, important relationship, love partners